During lunch conversation yesterday I told CLAW about an interesting situation that occurred a few days back while Lex and I were tearing the shit out of the Locust horde in the interest of preparation for GOW2.

Somewhere between popping heads and blender-busting boomers we got to talking about Duke Nukem 3D. For a few days I had been, annoyingly, saying “Damn! I’m lookin’ goooooood” in my best (terrible) Duke voice and I think I was saying it every time I blew the face off of some poor slob in aviator goggles – which was a lot. A lot.

So I wanted to show her the first few levels of the good ol’ DN3D. A history lesson in ass kickery, if you will; an example of the refinement of a genre we both enjoy. Also, a suprisingly candid view into my very much younger self.

The game holds up. It’s not UT3 or anything, but it holds. So I’m showing Lex the strippers, showing Lex the toilet secret, showing Lex the dead Doom Marine. She’s totally into this. Almost every turn brought a “Sweet!“, “Dude!” or “This is, like, a 13yr old’s dream!”

Somewhere in there she says, “This is so awesome! Why didn’t they make a sequel to this?”
Read On

I stopped watching Transformers the day after my mom took me to see Transformers: The Movie in 1986. I was traumatized in what I think is a very unnatural way by the death of Optimus Prime.

If only I had known he would be back. Back and ready to tear it up.

[by "it" I mean an ass]

This is what has been happening in Outworld. This kind of shit. Which is exactly why they are sending Batman in to set the place straight.

The Batman doesn’t do scented oil.

I remember this one time I went into the woods near my house with this guy I used to hang out with in high school to shoot at soda cans with his air rifle, only he didn’t want to shoot soda cans at all and ended up shooting the living shit out of a squirrel before running around the forest with his shirt half off screaming that he was going to “kill absolutely every goddamned thing on this ball of ash before the end of it” and that he wanted to see if a frog’s tongue would come out of its mouth if he shot it in the ass.

One of the most shocking sights in my young life was watching this poor squirrel go shooting into the air and land, squirming and writhing in an insane kind of fit while half of his head was split open, and the kid telling me to put it out of its misery.

I did put it out of its misery and went back to shooting pop cans and trying not to throw up.

Because I helped destroy another life? Because I rent the bond between an innocent being and it’s mortal engine? Because I ended the cascade of all that was to come of that animal for the sake of this crazy devil child and his need to kill?

Mostly, I think, because I missed a serious opportunity to munch.

Post Script: THIS BITCH IS CRAZY!

What was the last Bruce Campbell movie you saw? Was it the one where they were trapped in a snowed in airport and one of them was an alien? Was it the one where he may or may not be Elvis and fights a zombie pharaoh? Maybe it was one of hismany cameos?

The last film in which I saw Bruce Campbell be anything but a reflection of what Bruce Campbell once was, was actually the single film that made Bruce Campbell what he was in the first place. It seems as though he has been riding an image for decades now while the people who actually made the single franchise that gave him any cred at all are off to doing bigger, better things. Sometimes they throw him a bone, sure, but where is the work for this guy that everyone seems to think is the greatest actor ever born?

AICN posted this one-sheet today for a film made in 2007 that has been struggling for almost a year to find a distributor:

It’s one of those films where the main character is actually the actor himself and is sought out by people who don’t get that it isn’t really him doing those things in the movies he’s made and he has to bungle his way through what he’s only done on set to save the day.

The trailer looks fine. It is definitly camp, and it is cool that Campbell is making fun of himself, but haven’t we done this already?

Actually, where the hell is my Brisco County Jr. ??