I stopped watching Transformers the day after my mom took me to see Transformers: The Movie in 1986. I was traumatized in what I think is a very unnatural way by the death of Optimus Prime.

If only I had known he would be back. Back and ready to tear it up.

[by "it" I mean an ass]

This is what has been happening in Outworld. This kind of shit. Which is exactly why they are sending Batman in to set the place straight.

The Batman doesn’t do scented oil.

I remember this one time I went into the woods near my house with this guy I used to hang out with in high school to shoot at soda cans with his air rifle, only he didn’t want to shoot soda cans at all and ended up shooting the living shit out of a squirrel before running around the forest with his shirt half off screaming that he was going to “kill absolutely every goddamned thing on this ball of ash before the end of it” and that he wanted to see if a frog’s tongue would come out of its mouth if he shot it in the ass.

One of the most shocking sights in my young life was watching this poor squirrel go shooting into the air and land, squirming and writhing in an insane kind of fit while half of his head was split open, and the kid telling me to put it out of its misery.

I did put it out of its misery and went back to shooting pop cans and trying not to throw up.

Because I helped destroy another life? Because I rent the bond between an innocent being and it’s mortal engine? Because I ended the cascade of all that was to come of that animal for the sake of this crazy devil child and his need to kill?

Mostly, I think, because I missed a serious opportunity to munch.

Post Script: THIS BITCH IS CRAZY!

Whether you know this or not, I am fairly certain you are going to click the play button on the above video and be forever changed.

If not forever changed, then at least reasonably annoyed when, three hours from now, you are singing the Wet Pets theme song.

Blame me. Well, blame College Humor first, then me.

Darth Vader explains the Pythagorean theorem. Just the type of thing you would expect from the Dark Lord of the Sith.