Fairy Freckles

I get to go see the stomach doctor tomorrow morning. Most people hate going to the doctor. I look on this visit in much the same light, I imagine, as a man of the cloth meeting a lesser deity of his chosen religion only my savior’s name is Renee and she’s a real bitch.

Renee loves to take long vacations and deny me costly prescriptions in lieu of even more costly visits. Renee’s office is an hour and a half away from mine and she only works from 10-4. Renee could give a shit who I am or why I’m there as long as I have insurance and make frequent visits she and her A4 are happy. If I killed Renee and buried Renee’s body in a pumpkin patch in northern Michigan there’d be no one to write my prescriptions and I’d have to get all of those tests again.

Dilemma.

I am sure the above would have you thinking I’ve got some strange mental imbalance that requires some form of suppressant to manage my psychosis. Unfortunately this is not the case. I’ve got an upper hiatal hernia from being a sick little preemie and need pills to keep the acid from eating my stomach lining, my throat lining and causing my body to react with a cellular overgrowth (we like to call that cancer).

When I called for my prescription refill I was told Renee was off for ‘a while.’ Good for Renee. I am happy that the $400+ visits could afford her a nice vacation. Were she eaten by sharks while basking in the Caribbean sun I’d still not get my prescription. Cruel cruel world.

When you have an upper hiatal hernia you’ve got an ‘outpouching’ of stomach lining poking through your esophageal sphincter. This is caused by strain. This strain is caused in children mostly by violent puking. In adults it is caused by obesity – too much stomach for your body. Luckily for me, I’m not fat or old enough for that crazy shit. This outpouching stretches your esophageal sphincter whose job it is to snap shut and make sure what happenes in the stomach stays in the stomach. In short, stomach acid floods your stomach. Your stomach produces enough acid to fill its open space. When you’ve got no blocker there between your stomach and your throat, your throat is fair game.

Wake up. Belch acid into your throat. Drink a few glasses of water, feel that burn. Pop 3-4 Pepcid (1 dose per day the package says. The package is for pussies). Get to work. Puke acid and water into the office bathroom. Eat lunch. Pop a few more Pepcid (you threw the last ones up). Spend a few hours trying to hold down lunch. Start your drive home. Stop along the side of the highway to puke up lunch and anything else your body can get rid of. Get home. Drink 3-4 glasses of milk. Hope to god you can swallow enough to keep that shit from coming up again. Skip dinner; why try? Go to bed. Wake up at 2am to puke acid and bile for an hour or so. Wake up…

Serious fun.

I call the popped blood vessels that raccoon my eyes ‘Fairy Freckles’ as though given to me by some sweet wonder or blessed upon my face to mark me as a special creature in a world of the average. In truth, however, it is just because it sounds cooler than ‘Puke Spots.’

The pills I get, Prevacid, are like gold to me. I handle them like each one contained a tiny little billion dollar bank account because each one of those fuckers means 24 hours of living like a normal human being. Not to mention they cost $150 a refill.

Tomorrow should be a good day. I’ve been rather beaten the last few weeks by this affliction.

Renee mentioned surgery, but she also mentioned that they’d have to crack my sternum to get in there. I think she mentioned this last bit just to watch me squirm.