The Solution

One time when I was 7ish my mother brought home this video. I think I was sick and home from school or something and she wanted to give me something to do other than watch daytime TV and puke in the popcorn bowl. For this I was very appreciative. Moms care. Moms know what is good for their sons. Moms do everything in their power to keep their children from harm.

Moms also, apparently across the nation at this particular time in the previous millennium, inadvertently scarred the souls of their children by the thousands with a single tool of destructive force whose vast yet subtle wiles hold as resolute as they did when first released. This force, the great undoer of children across the globe; the Death Star to the Alderon of the 6-9 year old heart, this presence of unjust mind-numbing distraction could be described (titled, rather) with 4 simple:

The Peanut Butter Solution

Those of you who know of it just cringed. I feel it too. We all do, we: The children of the Solution.

You see there is this video. On this video there is this boy. By some means that currently elude me this boy is scared absolutely shitless. So scared, in fact, that the following day his hair all falls out. He can’t go to school like this; bald and 8 yrs old. He’s not going to pick up chicks sporting a Picard in elementary. He is lost and forlorn and needs something to fix this. A solution, if you will. He goes to the town medium/witch (we’ve all got one of those) and she gives him a set of detailed instructions. Following these instructions will give him his hair back. He is an 8 yr old, though, and one of the ingredients is peanut butter. Kids go wild with peanut butter, it is natural fact. Thusly did this kid go wild. It seems, though, that the peanut butter is the ‘active ingredient’ and the next day he has a top-mop that is long as the day and keeps growing. He can cut it all he wants but it keeps growing.

Had enough? It gets WAY better.

I am going to truncate this so as not to disturb you. The kid is captured by a mad paint brush manufacturer who wants both this kid’s head and the solution so he can enslave the children of man all across the world – strapping them to dentist chairs and using their unstoppable growing hair to make and sell magic paintbrushes. The movie is freaking scary if you are a kid. I think I have mentioned already that I WAS a kid at the time. Nightmares resulted; terrible nightmares. My childish fears don’t matter, though.

What matters is that I’ve been telling that goddamned story for 18 fucking years and no one on the planet has ever believed that video, or the story contained thereupon, has/would have/could have existed. Those of you who cringed earlier will likely be buzzing with joy to find that another has felt your pain; told your story. It is like we are all abductees. We all have facts and no one will listen. I have good news, though:

You are not alone.